I have realized that becoming a man is not just about respect. It’s about realizing that everything you touch has an impact. Children face inward and men face outward. No matter how I decide to pursue money and that includes criminal activities, I keep my family and my daughter in the dark. I tow both lines. The lines that portray me as a good productive member of society, and the line that lures me to the underground. My life is full of ups and downs as I attempt to put the criminal activity behind me. The problem is that I have done it since high school and when something goes wrong I always fall back on what I know how to do. Trying like hell to put it all behind me, but when I am backed into a corner, I find old friends and associates, business partners, and get started all over again.
I have promised my six-year-old daughter that I will not go back to jail and I have never broken a promise to her. She’s missed me twice on two stints I have done and she watched once as the DEA raided my house. She now hates police, and I try to explain to her that I made the decision to break the law and they were doing their job. At six years old her trust in the law dissipated quickly when they took her daddy to prison in front of eyes, not once but twice. I feel horrible as a parent that I have put her through that and she means everything to me. I am Superman to her no matter what and she worries that one day I’ll be gone for a long time.
I am a good father to her and she loves me to death as I do her. I am also a good person. They say life is made up of a bunch of moments and we have to be prepared to make the right decisions in those moments. Well, I made the wrong one at 16 years old and it has followed me to the age of 32. I am using my parole and probation to rectify my life and disassociating myself from those old acquaintances, so that I can stay in the real world and be the father I am supposed to be. In the real world, not from a jail cell.
I have to put this out there so I can look and re-read this, and take in suggestions and comments so that I do not have to relive my past screw ups. Now that I am disabled from a broken back it makes everything more difficult since i cannot work and the allure of selling drugs knocks on my door everyday, So far i have been successful at turning down the Devils temptations and I pray to God every night for forgiveness and the strength to walk in His shoes and help people instead of ruining their lives. He has helped me so far, and that is coming from a person who question my faith for a long time. I just hope that I can continue on the right path and get back to some kind of work, so that my daughter not only loves me, but will be proud to call me her Daddy.