I have realized that becoming a man is not just about respect. It’s about realizing that everything you touch has an impact. Children face inward and men face outward. No matter how I decide to pursue money and that includes criminal activities, I keep my family and my daughter in the dark. I tow both lines. The lines that portray me as a good productive member of society, and the line that lures me to the underground. My life is full of ups and downs as I attempt to put the criminal activity behind me. The problem is that I have done it since high school and when something goes wrong I always fall back on what I know how to do. Trying like hell to put it all behind me, but when I am backed into a corner, I find old friends and associates, business partners, and get started all over again.
I have promised my six-year-old daughter that I will not go back to jail and I have never broken a promise to her. She’s missed me twice on two stints I have done and she watched once as the DEA raided my house. She now hates police, and I try to explain to her that I made the decision to break the law and they were doing their job. At six years old her trust in the law dissipated quickly when they took her daddy to prison in front of eyes, not once but twice. I feel horrible as a parent that I have put her through that and she means everything to me. I am Superman to her no matter what and she worries that one day I’ll be gone for a long time.
I am a good father to her and she loves me to death as I do her. I am also a good person. They say life is made up of a bunch of moments and we have to be prepared to make the right decisions in those moments. Well, I made the wrong one at 16 years old and it has followed me to the age of 32. I am using my parole and probation to rectify my life and disassociating myself from those old acquaintances, so that I can stay in the real world and be the father I am supposed to be. In the real world, not from a jail cell.
I have to put this out there so I can look and re-read this, and take in suggestions and comments so that I do not have to relive my past screw ups. Now that I am disabled from a broken back it makes everything more difficult since i cannot work and the allure of selling drugs knocks on my door everyday, So far i have been successful at turning down the Devils temptations and I pray to God every night for forgiveness and the strength to walk in His shoes and help people instead of ruining their lives. He has helped me so far, and that is coming from a person who question my faith for a long time. I just hope that I can continue on the right path and get back to some kind of work, so that my daughter not only loves me, but will be proud to call me her Daddy.
Hugh, I appreciate and respect what you put out there man, I don’t know your whole story but I know of your struggle. As we all fail in many aspects of our lives it’s amazing for me to see the undying love and respect my children have for me. Your daughter is the same and not only will love you for that, but honor and respect you for making the right decisions for yourself and her from here on out.
I too questioned my faith for many years and came to the realization about six years ago my faith was non-existent, but merely a product of things I was told as a child. I am a different man today because I know without any doubt that God has always been there and will always be there. There are two passages that have stuck with me over the years and maybe you can find encouragement in them in the future. 1) My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. (James 1:2-4 KJV) and the other is: 2) Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the Lord ; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. The ungodly are not so: but are like the chaff which the wind driveth away. Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous. For the Lord knoweth the way of the righteous: but the way of the ungodly shall perish. (Psalms 1:1-6 KJV)
I’m praying for you brother, that you continue to trust God, be patient with His correction and will for your life, and above all things cast your burdens on Him because no load is too heavy. I enjoy your blog man, I check it often, I hope this finds you with encouragement.
Thanks Spencer, and yes, those passages do give me encouragement.
Your post is the perfect thing to remind you how important it is to stay on track.
I am so proud of you and the progress you have made this past year. You are a wonderful dad and I know you would do anything for that little girl of yours. Just keep pushing through.